Maybe the last thing you need is another article about how to be a person right now but Captain Awkward wrote the one that works for me.

Pandemic! Productivity! Life! Hacks! (from a deeply unproductive & freaked out person)

"When I am struggling and feel like I am drowning, I know that shame does nothing to help, being reminded of what I should be doing does nothing to help, the only thing that really helps is to make the tasks very small and gentle and friendly"

'Advice from competent, organized people who make goals and then make lists about those goals and then diligently do the lists to achieve those goals has never really worked for me (if any of it worked it would, like, work already?). No, I need the advice from people who are like “Here is how to maybe claw your way out of the depths of your own failure and outrun your self-sabotaging urges at least some of the time, godspeed little doodle.” '

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I also like "It is very likely that you are measuring yourself against all the things on this list [your entire mental load] and thinking about yourself only in terms of the things you haven’t done or might not be able to do (vs. what you are actually doing) and finding yourself consistently wanting. We are going to try to fix that and mentally take you out of existing only in the gap of shame between aspirations and rapidly shrinking capacity."

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Also "I would advise not treating pleasure and comfort like afterthoughts or things you have to earn."

These are words like I feel need to get in front of a lot more eyeballs.

productivity from an unproductive person 

I haven't done the big list yet but I woke up today knowing the three things I had to do, and I've done them

* pharmacy
* work
* phone call

And I've done a bunch more: I made a decent breakfast. I started laundry and told Spouse to hang it up. I sent an email to try to mitigate the fact that the phone call didn't actually get me anywhere. Oh and I agreed to be on TV again.

I came home from work and sat on my bed and now I'm lying on it but it's okay.

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productivity from an unproductive person 

@error_1202 you'll be on TV?? You've already been on TV before???

@error_1202 my approach to my difficulties was 'I can never relax or rest because there’s so much work overdue. I have to find a way to do work regularly, then I can relax and rest.’ this never worked.

judging from what my therapist has been asking me to do, I think her approach is the reverse: ‘let’s find a way for you to relax and rest regularly, then we can fix work.’ basically her catchphrase in our sessions is ‘rest is not earned’ (also ‘Feierabend ist Feierabend’)

@elilla Yes I was terrible at relaxing anyway. I'm just surrounded by things I should be doing, or at least an awareness of them.

There's also something there about how solo activities people suggest for relaxation (reading, TV, hobbies, naps, etc.) are mostly things I associate with my avoidant, procrastinatey tendencies. So I don't actually find them relaxing? It's hard for me to know what really relaxing looks like for me.

@error_1202 for me relaxation is basically ‘the state of mind of not being perpetually anxious and tense’; the absence of that thing that normally weighs on me most of the time. so relaxing is not really a thing you do, but a mode your mind is in. and I can’t reach this state by watching TV etc.; I can only reach it by altering my mind. I could not do that on my own, and that’s why I looked up for therapy.

@elilla I'm on two therapy waiting lists now. I really hope it helps.

@elilla @error_1202 The latter is where my new therapist is working with me. I'm bad about lists. She's focusing on "Take the downtime, then actually be productive in the worktime." Even if the worktime gets fewer hours this way.

Not much got checked off today . . .

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