When you don't have time or energy for a full throated denouncement of everything someone stands for, or ennumerating all the ways someone has violated community norms, consider: mild rebukes!

My latest approach to trolls and griefers in moderated communities is just to reply "don't be rude." Toxic overwatch teammate? Don't be rude. Asshole internet commenter? Don't be rude.

Feels like a more efficient use of my time than getting worked up and burning mental energy, and still gets the message across that different behavior is expected.

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@lawremipsum Oh! This is akin to my idea to replace "I'm offended" with "Why did you insult me?"

@lawremipsum (Id est, make the speaker defend themselves rather than opening yourself up for a line of faux-grievance-tainted questions.)

@lawremipsum It hinges on the concept that folks like that tend to view things like, say, homophobia as being mean to someone. They (like everyone) think of themselves as fundamentally good/decent people, so their goodness means they can't possibly inflict harm; the fault lies in the fragility of the harmed. So find a way to bring the cognitive fight to them: simply phrase it as "you did x, why?", there is far, far less room to claim x isn't what happened.

@lawremipsum And it's also good, I think, for our side to get into the habit of describing these things in ways that take our perception out of the equation. "I'm offended" requires the listener to demonstrate empathy with the speaker to be effective. "You insulted me" makes it about their indisputable actions. Which is what they claim ("fuck your feelings!") is the gold standard for these conversations.

@lawremipsum And the social shaming of pointing out their boorishness helps, too, since it runs counter to their self-concept of being nice people.

That's all. Sorry. Boring bus ride.

@yeahno no! Yes! It sucks that we need to be so precise and thoughtful about how to handle very lazy dickishness, but yeah—highlighting the social norm context together with succinctly naming the unwanted behavior seems to be the formula we've struck on...

@lawremipsum my wife used to do cool / not cool with kids when teaching. Seems about there.

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