Drugs, sexual body parts, tmi
My realization that I'm trans was a series of awakenings & tipping points over years—fully accounted for they stretch back at least a decade.
Here are a few:
• I got high in the backcountry in Yosemite and accidentally experienced having a vulva and clit
• I was watching a streamer and admitted to myself I was watching because I was envious of her
• I learned my younger cousin is a trans guy and got jealous and decided to stop letting my age deter me
Remembering an early conversation with my gender therapist who approved me for hrt, where I described my gender as follows:
"okay so you have a scale and Tilda Swinton is here [left hand near the middle of scale] and David Bowie is here [right hand just to the right of Tilda Swinton] and I'm somewhere over HERE. [reaching my right hand to point between Tilda Swinton and the left edge of the scale]"
HRT is amazing. Body alchemy.
Today (Saturday) is my 2 year HRTversary.
Thinking a little tonight about how monumentally unhappy about my body i was two years ago.
And how incredibly different it looks, and feels to live in, now.
I still have a hard time with a consistent mental self-image of anything other than the adult body I got used to seeing over decades.
But looking at myself in the mirror even just these last few weeks I actually believe I see a different person. A woman.
Genitals, Grs (-), rerun toot
Please let a solid-boned loon fly directly into my dick at 75 miles per hour
I had a moment of like "omg this is what it's like to Be Yourself, and it's amazing."
So this is what I've been up to over the past year: becoming hot.
Image 1: March 28, 2019
Image 2: April 12, 2019
Image 3: March 30, 2020
(eye contact selvies)
(cc: @LilyVers for inspiration)
Anyway I think my point is that transness is about the freedom to express, present as, and be one's self. If you try to make it about being and presenting a certain way to first satisfy some socio-political aim above the individual's own sense of gender you aren't ending gender you're just creating a different system of gender and gender expectations. It misses the entire point.
I guess connected with this is that I am non-binary, and happily tell anyone when it comes up—even though I don't aim anywhere but some degree of femme for my presentation. I don't owe anyone androgyny or genderfuck. I present how I present for myself.
I do my activism and nonbinary advocacy through other means.
Sometimes I need to remind myself of this, but I think other people need it more often: I'm trans for me, to be more myself and more comfortable in the world. Not for anyone else, and certainly not to achieve a political aim, like destroying the gender binary.
Political implications and consequences are inevitable, and a political purpose can be good and necessary—I actively participate in undermining the gender binary, even if not with my presentation, which is FOR ME.
Wrote something for @AudreyJune 's zine about how much fighting I have to do, and as if on cue, gotta argue with my health insurance about improperly denied claims again.