Remembering an early conversation with my gender therapist who approved me for hrt, where I described my gender as follows:
"okay so you have a scale and Tilda Swinton is here [left hand near the middle of scale] and David Bowie is here [right hand just to the right of Tilda Swinton] and I'm somewhere over HERE. [reaching my right hand to point between Tilda Swinton and the left edge of the scale]"
HRT is amazing. Body alchemy.
Today (Saturday) is my 2 year HRTversary.
Thinking a little tonight about how monumentally unhappy about my body i was two years ago.
And how incredibly different it looks, and feels to live in, now.
I still have a hard time with a consistent mental self-image of anything other than the adult body I got used to seeing over decades.
But looking at myself in the mirror even just these last few weeks I actually believe I see a different person. A woman.
Genitals, Grs (-), rerun toot
Please let a solid-boned loon fly directly into my dick at 75 miles per hour
I had a moment of like "omg this is what it's like to Be Yourself, and it's amazing."
So this is what I've been up to over the past year: becoming hot.
Image 1: March 28, 2019
Image 2: April 12, 2019
Image 3: March 30, 2020
(eye contact selvies)
(cc: @LilyVers for inspiration)
Anyway I think my point is that transness is about the freedom to express, present as, and be one's self. If you try to make it about being and presenting a certain way to first satisfy some socio-political aim above the individual's own sense of gender you aren't ending gender you're just creating a different system of gender and gender expectations. It misses the entire point.
I guess connected with this is that I am non-binary, and happily tell anyone when it comes up—even though I don't aim anywhere but some degree of femme for my presentation. I don't owe anyone androgyny or genderfuck. I present how I present for myself.
I do my activism and nonbinary advocacy through other means.
Sometimes I need to remind myself of this, but I think other people need it more often: I'm trans for me, to be more myself and more comfortable in the world. Not for anyone else, and certainly not to achieve a political aim, like destroying the gender binary.
Political implications and consequences are inevitable, and a political purpose can be good and necessary—I actively participate in undermining the gender binary, even if not with my presentation, which is FOR ME.
Wrote something for @AudreyJune 's zine about how much fighting I have to do, and as if on cue, gotta argue with my health insurance about improperly denied claims again.
The deep, ineffable structure of bureaucracy can only guarantee this NEVER happens if you actually *tried* to change your name from Tuttle.