I bought my first dress with my girlfriend when I was about 17. A cheap black crushed velvet number from Ragstock.
I wore it a couple of times. Once to a high school dance, maybe? And once to a college film festival at which I had entered a film.
The weekend of the film festival was within a week of my college's annual cross-dressing party, to which I did NOT wear the dress. No, I saved it.
Sexuality, gender, dysphoria
It never occurred to me that a lot of what I was dealing with, sex-wise, was dysphoria—I didn't have the concept.
It took actually undertaking transition for me to start to see and understand and unpack some of it. That's how deeply I locked it away from myself.
Society's messages and extraordinarily stigmatising and flawed understanding of transness in my childhood and young adulthood were a huge factor.
Sexuality, gender, "autogynephilia," gatekeeping, internalized transmisogyny
I am thinking again about my lifetime of inarticulable discomfort and confusion with sex, and how that led to me, at times, regarding myself / being regarded as asexual.
I'm experiencing a better-integrated understanding and experience of my own sexuality than I ever have. But I have to fight my own knowledge of society regarding it as perverse, a kink, or a fetish.
Sexual activity, "autogynephilia"
Anyway the thing I didn't say the other day when I posted the above was that my reaction immediately afterwards was to say "I think I'm trans."
It's just wild to me that this sort of experience would have been a *barrier* to me transitioning, assuming I were capable of conceiving of and having the experience, when I was young.
That's wild and fucked the hell up and so I'm glad the paradigm is different for people (young and old) today.
So back when I started thinking about transition I was able to pretty clearly appreciate that I'd go from being a guy* to being a girl.
(* Presenting as, pretending to be, whatever)
What I did not appreciate was that by my sexuality *staying the same* I would go from straight guy to queer girl. And THAT difference in context around an unchanged sexuality has been profound.
Being a queer girl is wicked powerful.
Eye contact selfie
Thank u @t54r4n1 for this sweater it's joining me in my Business Meeting™ today
As a non-binary transfem in a relationship with another non-binary person I get just as uncomfortable (to put it mildly) about someone categorizing me as binary based on my appearance/gender performance as I would about someone suggesting that my partner is in a "hetero" relationship based on our respective assigned sexes at birth.
Besides simply being inaccurate, prescribing gender & categorizing relationships based on pretty much anything other than internal sense of gender is trans-hostile.
My workplace has been ramping up their webfiltering lately and now they're blocking transgendermap.com , a site I found incredibly helpful while I was just starting to figure things out for myself. "adult material."
As always, fuck web filtering, but especially fuck filtering that blocks trans/queer resources as being "adult."
I really lucked out by not stumbling into a gatekeeper in the process of getting HRT.
Well, some luck, and some caution—when I was first trying to get in to see a therapist I scheduled with a gender therapist and the scheduling system tried to reschedule me with some regular-ass therapist who would have probably done all sorts of things instead of acknowledge and treat my gender dysphoria.
If I had gotten trapped in that professional vortex I might still be trying to get HRT.